Fragility

I always cherish, deep in my heart, the special therapeutic bond that I have with my beloved trainees. As you might already know by now (for the old-timers), this close bond is my primary vehicle that I use to influence positive changes in them on their road towards recovery.

The past 2 months or so have been difficult. Very difficult.

I must confess that I have not given enough time and labor in sowing the seeds that would bring about a closer relationship with them. The 2 weeks of annual leave in December in addition to the immense volume of outstanding administrative work have successfully robbed me of precious therapy time spent with them, much to my utter despair.

Within the same time frame, several trainees have incidentally turned against me for various reasons, 1 of which involves a very serious criminal allegation. Thankfully, most of the matters were resolved very quickly, and the therapeutic relationship with the trainees involved were not only restored, but strengthened too. However, there remains 1 matter unresolved, with its consequences threatening to spill over to destroy the already fragile bond that I have with all my trainees and even co-workers. Intervention (and investigations) from senior authorities were beyond disappointment and shock; I am left alone to fight this uphill task that seems immortally difficult. But life goes on.

Were I to give up?

Were I to flee?

To greener pastures

But what's there for me?

Hearts to heal

Lives to mend

Come what may

I've been sent

The Other Side of Therapy

I was sprinting through a survey today during a departmental meeting when I was confronted with this particular question on the form: "Are you satisfied with your job?" My momentum was shaken abruptly as I spent the next minute or so wondering how exactly I felt about it. The astounding rigidity of the endless levels of bureaucracy above me that obstructs the flow of ideas + the fatal red tape that suffocates real creativity VS the immense inner joy experienced in the simple act of lives touching lives.

The question was an easy one after all that shouldn't take me even a second to answer it. What other jobs are there that offers me the wonderful privilege of journeying together with fellow human beings towards hope? This experience is too precious to be labelled with a price tag. I often see snippets of myself in the very trainees whom I am journeying together with - the fear of isolation and rejection, the anxiety to prove one's worth, the need to be accepted and appreciated, the dilemma of desire and fear of deeper intimacy, etc. As I go about healing and guiding them towards hope and recovery, I often do get reminded about my very own human condition. Indeed, I confess that I have learnt a lot about life as well as myself from all of you guys in the process of therapy with you. We are all human after all, learning to live, love, give and receive. Cheers.

Thank You

Here I shall journal my personal journey as a therapist, guide, teacher, helper, healer, friend, brother, man and human being. My entries would be kept within ethical boundaries for professional reasons (constraints), but uncensored in all feelings and emotions. This is indeed a controversial move, but I do hope this self-disclosure will bring about the therapeutic healing factors in my dear trainees as they involve themselves together with me in the written account of living. More accurately, learning to live, for we are but mere mortals stuck in a challenging and often difficult world.

I was very discouraged today. Dejected, disappointed, dismayed. I have poured out my life passionately over the last 10 months trying my best to provide the best service to my trainees. Program content, administrative procedures, manpower allocation, acquiring resources - I have done these and more. Way beyond what is required of me. Simply because my trainees deserve it. They have undergone unimaginable hardships in their lives, and it would be a heinous crime if they are not given the best opportunities towards recovery. Unfortunately, as it is in any big organization, a man without rank and status like me is but a tiny speck of dust in the vast desert. No matter which path or direction he takes, he remains insignificant to the overall big picture. I had a talk with "Big Brother" today, during which I was reminded of the statistical quota that I am expected of to deliver, regardless of circumstances. In other words, I would have no choice but to compromise on the quality of my service to my trainees, whom I hold very dearly in my heart. I must say that this was my lowest point ever in the past 10 months. My heart is for full restoration of lives, but the system demands only numbers and figures in a uni-dimensional plane.

Throughout the day I felt like confiding my struggle in them, but somehow it did not materialize. Perhaps I fear a backfire response from them. It was only during the group therapy session later that I knew that this fear was invalid. 2 of my trainees had verbalized their appreciation and affirmation of my efforts in supporting their recovery. Seriously, this is probably one of the biggest encouragement ever so far in my course of work here. I felt so uplifted by the positive feedback. Seriously, thank you J and V. Nonetheless, my struggle with the system remains. Well, that's life isn't it? :)