I was very discouraged today. Dejected, disappointed, dismayed. I have poured out my life passionately over the last 10 months trying my best to provide the best service to my trainees. Program content, administrative procedures, manpower allocation, acquiring resources - I have done these and more. Way beyond what is required of me. Simply because my trainees deserve it. They have undergone unimaginable hardships in their lives, and it would be a heinous crime if they are not given the best opportunities towards recovery. Unfortunately, as it is in any big organization, a man without rank and status like me is but a tiny speck of dust in the vast desert. No matter which path or direction he takes, he remains insignificant to the overall big picture. I had a talk with "Big Brother" today, during which I was reminded of the statistical quota that I am expected of to deliver, regardless of circumstances. In other words, I would have no choice but to compromise on the quality of my service to my trainees, whom I hold very dearly in my heart. I must say that this was my lowest point ever in the past 10 months. My heart is for full restoration of lives, but the system demands only numbers and figures in a uni-dimensional plane.
Throughout the day I felt like confiding my struggle in them, but somehow it did not materialize. Perhaps I fear a backfire response from them. It was only during the group therapy session later that I knew that this fear was invalid. 2 of my trainees had verbalized their appreciation and affirmation of my efforts in supporting their recovery. Seriously, this is probably one of the biggest encouragement ever so far in my course of work here. I felt so uplifted by the positive feedback. Seriously, thank you J and V. Nonetheless, my struggle with the system remains. Well, that's life isn't it? :)
